MURDER IS MY MUSIC: THE NOVEL

As I searched for love I became aware of the of the pothead mother, her habits & underbaked apple pies sliced up for mom & pop domesticity. It was whispered to me that she needed twenty grand to regain custody of her son. Her ex-husband hid drugs in the Christmas creche & stole crayons from the Sunday school closet.

Meanwhile, hundreds of carp swam downstream. I thought they were spawning as they flopped about in shallow water, but others said they were drowning because the river was like the stagnant soup in an empty flowerpot on the fire escape.

The moon was strangely aspected that night.

She’s a bi-sexual BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) who put nude photos on her web pages. Our marriage is a closed-end lease, thousand dollars down & one ninety-nine a month, dealers costs not included & we fight over the minivan the bank owns, & for what? For an idiot savant with an M.L.S, who memorizes People Magazine.

Every time I crawl out of my den a barracuda rips off my left claw, the big one I use to hold the coffee cup. It takes three months to grow a new one.

They warned me about Benny Goodman, but I joined his band anyway.

This all began when I got on my knees & promised that I’d sign up for food stamps. I’ve been a mouse ever since working at Wawa. All she does is e-mail Scrabble words to some dork in Boise while the brat’s in school wearing a tee shirt from the Salvation Army store.

Unless we get to take home the carcass this will be the damnedest Thanksgiving.

Every night it’s whine, whine, whine. Why do I have to be the one with ambition? This cheap beer attracts the ugliest fucking bugs. Which reminds me of a story maybe you heard about the woman who had spider eggs hatch in her zits. Later, she walked into a spinning propeller at Newark Airport. She died instantly, although rumor has it that her feet tickled for ten minutes while her eyes blinked one hundred yards down the runway. It’s reassuring to know what killed you even if you feel like a moron.

Does the Little Mermaid marry her prince or does she die & go to heaven like in the book? How many Goofy’s does it take to play baseball? If I had the money I’d travel to Florida to find out but when the cartoons end you notice the giant cockroaches on the screen door & the lizards in the garden & the alligators chewing the heads off French poodles.

A quick census at the Scorpio Bar reveals two queens, four concubines, one possible virgin & a little sister with very large breasts. Many waters cannot quench love. The bartender’s navel is pierced with a large safety pin & she has a tattoo of Dr. Strange Master of the Mystic Arts on her left shoulder. Jesus, I love this gin mill.

When the cable company cut off our service & she suggested I drive a cab in New York, I told her to get her teeth fixed & become a substitute teacher for a little extra money.

Yesterday, she spent the last food stamps on a tuna fish hoagie. When I came home from work I had spaghetti with ketchup from those free packets McDonalds put in the bag along with the fries. When I dug these sneakers out of a garbage can I swear I found a rat inside studying a map of New Jersey with a flashlight. It’s no joke. I know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

I wish to God I’d never met that woman in the laundromat who gave me a couple of used fabric softener sheets & told me it’d been years since she had panties with tight elastic. I gotta go now & talk to some "friends" who can fix it all for me.